Holiday Guide
We’re all a bit religious at the holidays, even when we’re not conscious of it. We seek warmth, deep relationships, and connection with the past as we yearn for a hopeful future.
At Christmas, we celebrate God coming in human form as a baby, which we call incarnation. Incarnational living leads us to the awareness that God’s spirit is within the tangible elements that surround us, whether our ways of interacting, speaking, behaving, thinking, or even our very breathing. The holidays are a time rich in incarnational living, as we infuse meaning and importance into recipes, decorations, traditions, rituals, greetings, gifts, and days off from regular routines.
One of the pitfalls of the holidays is that our incarnational living often lives out beliefs and views that we no longer hold, though our habits suggest otherwise. We may no longer believe that the world is filled with magic and surprise, yet we find ourselves disappointed by the end of the season if we haven’t had that “Christmas feeling.” We may know that relationships have changed over time (whether because a parent has aged or passed or because you have children of your own now). Still, we find ourselves sad to have tangible reminders of how today differs from before.
Sometimes, we do the same thing repeatedly, even when we know it doesn’t work anymore. As I said to a friend the other day, “Why do I keep having to learn what I already know?”
I come, again, to the three-step process of moving faith forward to wonder what it could look like to approach the holidays with honesty and intentionality.
The more we rely on our spouse, kids, parents, or pastors to know what we need this season, the greater our chances of reaching the end of the holidays in a negative head space. You are the only one who knows (1) what beliefs you need to let go of, (2) what beliefs you have held steadfastly, and (3) how you can move forward in faith.
When you have a moment, walk through the three steps and notice what emerges. You may find that it’s worth going through the three steps a few times throughout the holidays, as old beliefs might emerge in surprising ways as Christmas morning approaches. Move through the steps as you take a walk and make notes on your phone. Pull out a journal when the Christmas lights are on, and the house is quiet. Leave voice memos for yourself as you drive to gather with family. Wherever you are as you move through the steps, trust yourself that you have all that you need already within you.
Step One: Place former beliefs in the context of what was happening when you received them.
Memories flood us as we approach the holidays, sometimes confusing us with the unexpected ways life has unfolded. Brené Brown designs nostalgia as “a yearning for the way things used to be in our often idealized and self-protective version of the past.” In Atlas of the Heart, Brown talks about how nostalgia often leads to rumination (involuntary looping through negative thoughts) rather than reflection (looking back to the past for insight or understanding).
Consider what has held true for years but may no longer fit and brainstorm a list. What images of the “perfect Christmas” have you held that you’ve found to be unhelpful? What memories have become so idealized that they now cast shadows on today? What narratives run through your mind with words like “always” and “never”? The beliefs might look like these:
God’s love for me looks like everything is working out.
To celebrate Christmas, we need everyone to be healthy.
I am responsible for making Christmas magical for everyone around me.
When I attend church on Christmas, there’s something wrong if I don’t feel happy or connected with others.
My kids’ happiness is what matters most.
Grandma’s cooking assures me that all shall be well.
Being surrounded by people on Christmas is the judge of how well my life is going.
Pick one belief once you have your list and consider where it originated.
How old were you when you began developing that belief? What was going on in your life at the time?
What does that belief assume about God?
What has that belief done for you over the years? Did it offer structure? Assurance? A path to belonging? A sense of security or control?
What feelings emerge as you consider letting go of that belief?
Are there narratives you’ve always told yourself that supported this belief?
Step Two: Begin putting words to beliefs that have stood the test of time.
Consider what has held true, even as relationships and situations have changed, and brainstorm beliefs that have run common throughout your life. These beliefs are like the threads woven throughout your life, creating a sense of continuity through life’s changes. Maybe the relationship with your parents has changed, but essential elements of that relationship you’ve carried into other relationships. Those beliefs might look like these:
Even in the greatest darkness, a little light keeps hope alive.
Christmas hymns bring warmth to my life.
Opening my home to family helps me feel connected, even if it’s hard to open my heart.
Being with people who I love matters more than where we gather.
Time in the quiet during the holidays nourishes me during the craziness of the holidays.
Eating food with people matters to me, even if they differ from last year.
Once you have a list of steady beliefs, pick one for reflection. Consider when that belief has mattered most to you.
Are there people, places, or rituals from which that belief has come?
How has that belief appeared during times of instability or chaos?
What does that belief assume about God?
What could that steady belief offer to you at this moment?
Step Three: Learn to accept what has been, integrate core beliefs, and engage in spiritual practices tailored to your life.
Review the beliefs that no longer fit and those that have lasted over the years. Now is the time to consider this incarnational living during the holidays. Think about the holiday routines and traditions connected with both lists (those that no longer fit and those that you cherish). What tangible practices do you need to adjust or start anew?
How do you move forward with all you’ve learned while firmly planted in your life’s history and family connections?
Here are some prompts that can help you wonder about spiritual practices that could deepen your core beliefs, accepting that the former beliefs functioned for a time but cannot carry you forward today.
Consider the usual tangible elements of the season (gifts, gatherings, decorations, religious traditions) and how these beliefs are connected. Identify which rituals incite such strong emotions that you wonder how to approach them differently.
Imagine a tangible thing you could do today that would affirm a core belief. Go ahead and figure out when you can act on that intention today.
Identify others who share your core beliefs. Reach out to them to talk about what it looks like to live out that belief during the holidays. Remember, you're not alone in your self-reflection and spiritual growth journey.
Is there a specific scripture or religious ritual that resonates with your core belief? Take a moment to read or re-enact the ritual to strengthen that belief. Engaging in these familiar spiritual practices can bring comfort and reassurance, reminding you of the stability and peace that your core beliefs provide.
Here are some examples:
You realize that eating the holiday meal with your loved ones is more important than re-enacting your parents’ holiday frenzy in the kitchen that left everyone feeling tense. You lean into your belief that God being with us is what Christmas is all about, not the stable being perfectly prepared. You review your menu to identify what you still want to make and what you can pick up. You work through the guilt you feel at buying “store-bought” and focus on the conversations you’ll get to have at the table while you eat.
You realize that you’ve often felt you must prove yourself at Christmas through how you present yourself to family, the gifts you buy, or the Christmas card you send out. You believe God loves you exactly as you are and desires generosity, not perfection. You decide to change your approach, finding a new way of looking at these traditions - valuing connection rather than performance.
You realize that you often struggle with grief at the holidays now that your parents have passed. Stuffing the grief away leads to being short with the people around you. God mourns with you, even on the “happy days.” You decide to set aside the morning of Christmas Eve to look through old pictures and mementos you have of your parents in the quiet so you can grieve freely without feeling watched.
